The Bard

An Enduring Fate.

Aemilia, an orphan twin who collects secrets.
Antonio, brother of Aemilia who keeps her out of trouble.
Cicero, an actor playing many parts.
Doctor Caius, a physician specialising in subtle remedies.
Don Pedro, a village elder pointing the way.
Isabella, a cunning abacus operator.
Juliet, an esteemed maker of Roman columns.
Lysander, a courier making various journies.
Mercutio, a shrewd merchant.
Prospero, a man with two faces.
Romeo, a lowly road-paver.
Rosalind, a bookmaker.
Shylock, a destitute gambler flitting between rags and riches.
The Duke of Milan, a wealthy nobleman enraptured by the muses.
The Duke of Venice, a tyrant seeking control of Milan.
Ulysses, an avid astronomer.
Vincentio, a hermit.


                    Act I: Birth of the Bard.

                    Scene I: The seeds of inspiration.

[Enter The Duke of Milan]
[Enter Prospero]

The Duke of Milan:
 You are as smelly as the sum of a face and a lie!

[Exit Prospero]
[Enter Shylock]

The Duke of Milan:
 You are as fatherless as nothing!

[Exit Shylock]
[Enter Isabella]

The Duke of Milan:
 You are as horrible as the cube of the sum of the square of twice a toad and
 a flirt-gill!

                    Scene II: A burst of talent.

Isabella:
 You coward!
 Am I as good as nothing?

The Duke of Milan:
 If so, let us proceed to scene III.
 You are as sweet as the difference between thyself and a summer's day.

Isabella:
 Remember thyself!
 Let us return to scene II.

                    Scene III: A stroke of genius.

Isabella:
 You are nothing. Remember thyself.
 You are an angel. Remember thyself.

The Duke of Milan:
 You are as honest as the difference between a blossoming brave fine cousin
 and an amazing brother.

                    Scene IV: Lull in the night.

Isabella:
 You leech!
 Am I as good as nothing?

The Duke of Milan:
 If so, let us proceed to scene V.
 You are as half-witted as the difference between thyself and the factorial of
 a grandson.

Isabella:
 Remember thyself!
 Let us return to scene IV.

                    Scene V: Return of the jed^H^H^Hgenious.

Isabella:
 You are as delicious as the square of a pig. Remember thyself.
 You are as dusty as the difference between the cube of an aunt and the square
 of a cat. Remember thyself.

The Duke of Milan:
 You are as gentle as the cube of the difference between a beautiful
 trustworthy squirrel and the cube of the square root of a cow.

                    Scene VI: Deja vu.

Isabella:
 You beggar!
 Am I as good as nothing?

The Duke of Milan:
 If so, let us proceed to act II.
 You are as stinking as the sum of thyself and a Microsoft.

Isabella:
 Remember thyself!
 Let us return to scene VI.


                    Act II: Presentation of the Bard.

                    Scene I: Introductions.

[Exeunt]
[Enter The Duke of Milan and The Duke of Venice]

The Duke of Milan:
 You are as noble as the square of a delicious proud clearest squirrel.

                    Scene II: The usurper in the night.

The Duke of Venice:
 Am I fresher than nothing?

The Duke of Milan:
 If not, let us proceed to scene III.
 You are as oozing as the sum of thyself and a coward.

The Duke of Venice:
 Recall thy bleak birth!

The Duke of Milan:
 Remember me!
 Let us return to scene II.

                    Scene III: The morning after.

The Duke of Venice:
 You are as sorry as the square of a cursed hairy horrible lie.

[Exit The Duke of Milan]
[Enter Shylock]

The Duke of Venice:
 You are as dusty as nothing!

[Exit Shylock]
[Enter Cicero]

The Duke of Venice:
 You lying stupid fatherless big smelly half-witted coward!
 You are as dirty as the difference between a gentle fair reddest pretty
 charming mistletoe and thyself.

[Exit The Duke of Venice]
[Enter Isabella]

Cicero:
 You are as delicious as a sweetest blossoming fine sweet brave plum.
 Speak your mind!
 You are as peaceful as the sum of myself and a golden sweetest gentle animal!

                    Scene IV: Assessing the damage.

Isabella:
 Am I jollier than you?

Cicero:
 If not, let us proceed to scene V.

Isabella:
 Thou art as mighty as the sum of a hamster and thyself.
 Speak your mind!
 Let us return to scene IV.

                    Scene V: New beginnings.

Isabella:
 Thou art as rotten as the difference between nothing and the sum of a snotty
 stinking half-witted hog and a small toad! Speak your mind!

[Exeunt Cicero and Isabella]
[Enter The Duke of Milan and The Duke of Venice]

                    Scene VI: Revenge and reparation.

The Duke of Milan:
 Am I nicer than nothing?

The Duke of Venice:
 If not, let us proceed to scene VII.

[Exit The Duke of Venice]
[Enter Cicero]

The Duke of Milan:
 You are as good as the sum of the square of a grandmother and a mighty lovely
 rich brother. Is the remainder of the quotient between me and twice a
 charming noble morning as distasteful as nothing?

 If so, you are as good as the difference between thyself and the quotient
 between me and twice a trustworthy brave summer's day. If so, open your heart!

[Exit Cicero]
[Enter The Duke of Venice]

The Duke of Venice:
 You are as fatherless as the difference between thyself and a father.

The Duke of Milan:
 Recall thy dastardly deeds!

[Exit The Duke of Milan]
[Enter Cicero]

Cicero:
 Are you worse than nothing?

The Duke of Venice:
 If so, thou art as handsome as the difference between an honest noble
 clearest pretty delicious thing and a lying stuffed rotten miserable beggar.

Cicero:
 Are you not worse than nothing?

The Duke of Venice:
 If so, thou art as healthy as the square of the sum of a fine loving pretty
 sister and a kingdom.

Cicero:
 Are you as good as nothing?

The Duke of Venice:
 If so, thou art as sunny as the difference between thyself and the sum of the
 factorial of a proud sister and a warm beautiful stone wall.

The Duke of Venice:
 Thou art as smelly as the difference between thyself and twice the square of
 a wind. Speak your mind!

[Exit Cicero]
[Enter Shylock]

The Duke of Venice:
 Am I as sweet as a rose? If so, you are as fair as the sum of yourself and
 the cube of a fellow.

[Exit Shylock]
[Enter The Duke of Milan]

The Duke of Venice:
 Remember me!

The Duke of Milan:
 Is the remainder of the quotient between me and an honest cute sunny summer's
 day as pretty as nothing?

The Duke of Venice:
 If not, let us return to scene VI.

The Duke of Milan:
 Thou art as rotten as the difference between nothing and the sum of a snotty
 stinking half-witted hog and a small toad! Speak your mind!

The Duke of Milan:
 Let us return to scene VI.

                    Scene VII: Collateral damage.

The Duke of Venice:
 Is Shylock as good as nothing? If so, let us proceed to act IV!

[Exeunt]


                    Act III: The Public Forum.

                    Scene I: The defection of Prospero.

[Exeunt]
[Enter Aemilia and Prospero]

Aemilia:
 Is Shylock as good as nothing? If so, let us proceed to scene IV. You are as
 mighty as the difference between a stone wall and thyself.

                    Scene II: Orhpans' despair.

[Exeunt]
[Enter Aemilia and Antonio]

Aemilia:
 Thou art as amazing as the square of the sum of a blossoming peaceful fine
 granddaughter and a stone wall.

Antonio:
 Is Prospero as evil as nothing?

Aemilia:
 If so, thou art as vile as the difference between thyself and the sum of a
 half-witted leech and a pretty lovely noble sky.

Aemilia:
 Thou art as cute as the difference between thyself and a blossoming hamster.
 Speak your mind!

Aemilia:
 You pretty little warm thing! Thou art as prompt as the difference between
 the square of thyself and your golden hair. Speak your mind. You are as dirty
 as a curse. Let us proceed to scene V.

                    Scene III: The confrontation of Prospero.

Prospero:
 You are as rotten as the difference between a lie and the sum of a proud
 loving trustworthy smooth lantern and a damned foul rotten infected dirty
 disgusting vile pig. Speak your mind!

Aemilia:
 You are as gentle as the sum of the square root of a pretty amazing peaceful
 brave golden beautiful gentle handsome cousin and the difference between a
 stuffed hate and a disgusting fat-kidneyed cursed stuffed sorry hairy toad.
 Speak your mind! You are as proud as the difference between the sum of twice
 a happy delicious trustworthy proud prompt good nephew and a toad and the
 difference between a damned worried misused flirt-gill and a cursed miserable
 evil dusty sorry devil. Speak your mind! 

Prospero:
 Let us proceed to act VII.

                    Scene IV: Prospero's retort.

Prospero:
 You are as half-witted as the sum of the difference between a thing and an
 oozing villainous fatherless stinking distasteful stupid hog and twice the
 square root of the square root of a mighty fine proud pretty fair sweetest
 lovely embroidered cousin! Speak your mind! You are as fat-kidneyed as the
 difference between twice a devil and the sum of twice the cube of a
 trustworthy joy and a cowardly rotten miserable vile foul rotten worried
 hound! Speak your mind!

Aemilia:
 You are as fine as the difference between the difference between the square
 root of the square of a happy smooth blossoming door and a hairy rotten dirty
 fatherless disgusting damned war and a door. Speak your mind! You loving
 sweet cunning charming blossoming lantern. Speak your mind! Let us proceed to
 scene VI.

                    Scene V: Orphans' Reward.

Antonio:
 Open your mind!

Aemilia:
 You are as good as the sum of thyself and the square of a death.
 Am I punier than nothing?

Antonio:
 If so, let us proceed to act VII.

Aemilia:
 Am I as beautiful as the sum of a gentle sunny sweetest moon and twice a tree?

Antonio:
 If not, remember thyself!
 If not, let us return to scene V.
 Am I as good as twice a summer's day?

Aemilia:
 If not, let us return to scene II.

[Exit Antonio]
[Enter Romeo]

Romeo:
 Recall thy place!

Aemilia:
 Thou art as good as the difference between myself and the square of the
 difference between a hero and twice a gentle golden cat.
         
Romeo:
 Am I worse than nothing? If so, let us return to scene II.
 Am I worse than a mighty beautiful loving Lord? If not, let us return to
 scene II.

[Exit Romeo]
[Enter Juliet]

Juliet:
 Recall thy place!

Aemilia:
 Thou art as good as the difference between myself and the sum of an
 embroidered fair good loving blossoming kingdom and the difference between a
 sunny proud fine smooth happy sweetest father and a pig.

Juliet:
 Am I worse than nothing? If so, let us return to scene II. Am I worse than a
 lovely happy healthy angel? If not, let us return to scene II.

[Exit Juliet]
[Enter Rosalind]

Rosalind:
 Thou art as hairy as the sum of a golden cat and twice the square of a dirty
 Hell. Speak your mind.

Aemilia:
 Thou art as good as a goat.

[Exit Rosalind]
[Enter Vincentio]

Aemilia:
 Thou art as good as a hog.
 Let us proceed to act IV.

                    Scene VI: Prospero's redemption.

Prospero:
 You are as horrid as the sum of the difference between twice the square of
 the cube of a miserable wolf and a grandfather and a fat-kidneyed misused
 worried codpiece. Speak your mind!

Aemilia:
 You are as golden as the sum of the sum of an embroidered cunning happy cute
 sweet smooth flower and the factorial of the sum of the square of a lie and a
 hero and the square of a fatherless snotty lie. Speak your mind!

Prospero:
 Let us proceed to scene III.


                    Act IV: The Bard's Speech.

                    Scene I: The Dukes cross paths once more.

[Exeunt]
[Enter The Duke of Milan and The Duke of Venice]

The Duke of Milan:
 Thou art as good as the sum of Juliet and the product of a warm sweetest
 honest summer's day and Romeo. Thou art as good as the difference between a
 healthy brave sweetest fair delicious sweet face and thyself.

The Duke of Venice:
 Is Shylock as foul as nothing? If so, let us proceed to scene VII.

                    Scene II: Twice the fool.

The Duke of Venice:
 Am I better than nothing?

The Duke of Milan:
 If not, let us proceed to scene III.
 You are as snotty as the difference between thyself and a nose.

The Duke of Venice:
 Recall your impending doom!

The Duke of Milan:
 Remember me!
 Let us return to scene II.

                    Scene III: A bargain.

[Exit The Duke of Venice]
[Enter Ulysses]

The Duke of Milan:
 You are as cunning as myself.

[Exit Ulysses]
[Enter The Duke of Venice]

The Duke of Milan:
 Is Vincentio worse than nothing? If so, let us proceed to scene IV. Recall
 thy uncertain fate!

The Duke of Venice:
 Thou art as good as Vincentio.

The Duke of Milan:
 Remember me!

                    Scene IV: Twice the revenge.

The Duke of Venice:
 Thou art as good as the sum of Juliet and the product of a golden reddest
 rich hero and Romeo. Thou art as cursed as the difference between the square
 of an oozing distasteful cowardly beggar and thyself. Let us proceed to scene
 VIII.

                    Scene V: Fear leads to anger.

The Duke of Milan:
 Thou art as bold as the difference between the cube of the cube of a kingdom
 and the sum of the product of a roman and a miserable smelly fatherless foul
 hairy vile misused hate and a mighty amazing prompt gentle loving hero. Speak
 your mind!

The Duke of Venice:
 You are as fair as the difference between a blossoming sunny gentle
 grandmother and the sum of the cube of a dusty hairy death and a chihuahua.
 Speak your mind!

                    Scene VI: Anger leads to hate.

The Duke of Milan:
 You are as vile as the sum of a blister and the difference between twice a
 distasteful foul rotten wolf and a dirty rotten cursed hairy damned vile
 horrid Hell. Speak your mind!

The Duke of Venice:
 You are as peaceful as twice the fine reddest warm happy town. Speak your
 mind! Let us proceed to act VI.

                    Scene VII: Hate leads to suffering.

The Duke of Milan:
 Thou art as rotten as the difference between nothing and the sum of a snotty
 stinking half-witted hog and a small toad! Speak your mind!

The Duke of Venice:
 You are as delicious as the sum of the sum of the difference between a stone
 wall and the cube of twice nothing and the square of a rich peaceful noble
 thing and the cube of twice a plum. Speak your mind!

The Duke of Milan:
 Let us proceed to scene V.

                    Scene VIII: Twice the reparations.

The Duke of Milan:
 Am I better than nothing?

The Duke of Venice:
 If not, let us proceed to scene IX. You are as good as the difference between
 thyself and a door.

The Duke of Milan:
 Recall your imminent death!

The Duke of Venice:
 Remember me!
 Let us return to scene VIII.

                    Scene IX: Three paths lie ahead.

The Duke of Venice:
 Is Rosalind worse than nothing? If not, let us proceed to act VI.
 Is Ulysses worse than nothing? If not, let us return to act II.

[Exeunt]

                    Act V: The will of the fates.

                    Scene I: The scales of justice.

[Exeunt]
[Enter Rosalind and Doctor Caius]

Doctor Caius:
 Thou art as good as the sum of thyself and the factorial of a grandmother.
 Are you better than the difference between a lie and twice a cursed stinking
 bastard? If so, let us return to act II.

[Exit Rosalind]
[Enter Don Pedro]

Doctor Caius:
 Is Rosalind as good as nothing?
 If so, thou art as good as nothing.

 Is Rosalind as good as a stone wall?
 If so, thou art as good as nothing.

 Is Rosalind as good as a delicious roman?
 If so, thou art as good as a morning.

 Is Rosalind as good as the sum of a handsome prompt father and a toad?
 If so, thou art as good as a draught.

 Is Rosalind as good as the square of twice a coward?
 If so, thou art as good as a morning.

 Is Rosalind as good as the sum of a grandson and twice a mighty chihuahua?
 If so, thou art as good as a morning.

 Is Rosalind as good as the sum of a blossoming cute purse and a fine moon?
 If so, thou art as good as a draught.

 Is Rosalind as good as the sum of a lie and twice a warm golden road?
 If so, thou art as good as a draught.

Don Pedro:
 Is Rosalind as good as nothing?
 If so, thou art as good as a morning.

 Is Rosalind as good as a stone wall?
 If so, thou art as good as a draught.

 Is Rosalind as good as a delicious roman?
 If so, thou art as good as nothing.

 Is Rosalind as good as the sum of a handsome prompt father and a toad?
 If so, thou art as good as nothing.

 Is Rosalind as good as the square of twice a coward?
 If so, thou art as good as a morning.

 Is Rosalind as good as the sum of a grandson and twice a mighty chihuahua?
 If so, thou art as good as a draught.

 Is Rosalind as good as the sum of a blossoming cute purse and a fine moon?
 If so, thou art as good as a morning.

 Is Rosalind as good as the sum of a lie and twice a warm golden road?
 If so, thou art as good as a draught.

[Exeunt]
[Enter Mercutio and Vincentio]

Mercutio:
 You toad!

Vincentio:
 Thou art as good as nothing.

[Exit Vincentio]
[Enter Lysander]

Mercutio:
 You are as good as nothing.

[Exeunt]
[Enter Romeo and Juliet]

Romeo:
 Remember thyself.

Juliet:
 Remember thyself.


                    Act VI: Battle of the Bard, by proxy of a lovers' quarrel.

                    Scene I: A disagreement occurs.

[Exeunt]
[Enter Romeo and Juliet]

Romeo:
 Is Shylock as good as nothing? If so, let us proceed to scene V.

Juliet:
 Is Lysander as good as the cube of a purse? If so, let us proceed to scene
 III. Is Lysander better than the factorial of a son? If so, let us proceed to
 scene IV.

                    Scene II: An insult, an egress.

[Exeunt]
[Enter Romeo and Lysander]

Romeo:
 You uncle!

[Exit Lysander]
[Enter Juliet]

Romeo:
 Let us return to act IV.

                    Scene III: The lovers weigh in.

[Exeunt]
[Enter Romeo and Juliet]

Juliet:
 You are as good as the sum of thyself and Don Pedro.

Romeo:
 You are as good as the sum of thyself and Doctor Caius.

Romeo:
 Am I worse than nothing? If so, let us proceed to scene IX.
 Am I better than the difference between a lie and a rotten rotten distasteful
 war? If so, let us proceed to scene IX.

Juliet:
 Am I worse than nothing? If so, let us proceed to scene IX.
 Am I better than the difference between a lie and a rotten rotten distasteful
 war? If so, let us proceed to scene IX.

[Exit Juliet]
[Enter Lysander]

Romeo:
 You are as good as the square root of a good fair hamster.

[Exit Lysander]
[Enter Juliet]

Romeo:
 Let us return to act IV.

                    Scene IV: Elsewhere, Ulysses suffers despair.

[Exeunt]
[Enter Mercutio and Ulysses]

Ulysses:
 Am I worse than nothing? If so, let us proceed to scene IX.
 Am I as good as Prospero? If so, let us proceed to scene VII.
 You are as happy as the sum of thyself and a squirrel.
 Let us return to scene III.

                    Scene V: An argument erupts.

Romeo:
 You are as cowardly as the square of the sum of a stinking Microsoft and a
 half-witted stinking bad coward! Speak your mind! You are as damned as the
 sum of the sum of the difference between a snotty miserable sorry stuffed
 stupid misused draught and a stuffed stinking stupid lying smelly cursed
 hairy toad and the square root of a charming warm prompt golden happy
 sweetest pony and the factorial of the square of the cube of the factorial of
 nothing! Speak your mind!

Juliet:
 You are as lovely as the square of the sum of a handsome delicious fine
 brother and a delicious nose. Speak your mind! You are as warm as a lovely
 brave happy handsome proud summer's day. Speak your mind! You are as charming
 as the sum of an amazing golden prompt lovely joy and the difference between
 a clearest smooth bold noble peaceful happy wind and an honest angel! Speak
 your mind!

                    Scene VI: A stalemate ensues.

Romeo:
 Thou art as foul as the difference between the sum of a Hell and the product
 of a stuffed cursed miserable hairy famine and a half-witted oozing smelly
 bastard and a trustworthy cunning loving golden sky. Speak your mind!

Juliet:
 You are as cute as the difference between the sum of the square of a loving
 warm happy hamster and a charming loving blossoming rich King and a
 fatherless hairy plague. Speak your mind! You are as honest as the difference
 between a fine gentle delicious beautiful pretty good peaceful sky and the
 factorial of twice a sweet joy. Speak your mind!

Romeo:
 Let us proceed to act III.

                    Scene VII: Elsewhere, Mercutio lies in anguish.

[Exit Ulysses]
[Enter Vincentio]

Mercutio:
 Am I as good as nothing? If so, let us proceed to scene IX.
 Are you worse than nothing? If not, let us proceed to scene IX.
 You are as good as Prospero.

[Exeunt]

                    Scene VIII: A fresh start.

[Enter Romeo and Juliet]

Juliet:
 Recall thy handsome face! Remember thyself!

Romeo:
 Recall thy beautiful mind! Remember thyself!

Juliet:
 Let us return to scene II.


                    Scene IX: An unanticipated tragedy; in a tomb belonging to
                              the Capulets.

[Exeunt]
[Enter Romeo and Juliet]

Juliet:
 Recall thy poisonous consumption!

Romeo:
 Recall thy deep wounds!

Juliet:
 Let us return to act V.


                    Act VII: Bard's end.

                    Scene I: A final farewell.

[Exeunt]
[Enter The Duke of Milan and The Duke of Venice]

The Duke of Venice:
 You are as good as the sum of the cube of a fair grandmother and a proud
 daughter. Speak your mind!

The Duke of Milan:
 You are as good as the sum of twice twice a gentle bold prompt delicious
 peaceful son and the sum of a smelly stinking dirty snotty stuffed Hell and a
 cunning nephew. Speak your mind!

 You are as good as the difference between a villainous fatherless hairy hate
 and the difference between a worried miserable damned stuffed stinking
 disgusting snotty goat and the factorial of twice nothing. Speak your mind!

 You are as good as the sum of the product of a cursed disgusting snotty sorry
 dusty worried hog and a miserable codpiece and the cube of the sum of a hairy
 smelly hound and a town. Speak your mind!

 You are as good as the sum of twice twice the square of the square root of a
 fine reddest sunny proud cousin and the sum of a sorry codpiece and a
 cowardly miserable villainous dusty blister. Speak your mind!

 Remember me!

The Duke of Venice:

 Recall thy imminent death; goodnight my sweet prince.

[Exit The Duke of Milan]
[Exit The Duke of Venice]